On October 30, 2007, I began what I call, “The Journal of a Journey,” which was intended to chronicle my Christian life and progress. That it did, but not for a while. Before August 9, 2009, it was a chronicle of a journey, yes, but not of my Christian life. For the first two years, it was instead a chronicle of my Jewish life, introduced with a summary of any and all spiritual happenings up until that time.
On October 23, 1992, which according to James Ussher was the 5996th or so anniversary of creation, I was born. My parents raised me in the Church and taught me the Lord’s prayer and the Apostle’s Creed according to their vows at my baptism. I was raised in a Lutheran church, so from a young age I considered a career in full-time ministry. On February 27, 2004, I ‘asked Jesus into my heart,’ which unfortunately proved an unprofitable exercise. I did not know this at the time, however, and thus began to diligently seek to grow deeper and deeper in this faith which now I not only had been raised in, but now apparently confessed. I did a great variety of things in my quest to know God more, including, reading the Bible, going to Church, researching doctrines, seeking and receiving what I thought was ‘baptism of the Holy Spirit,’ speaking in tongues, cleaning up my moral performance at home and at school, and ultimately deciding to follow the Old Testament Law. After a year and a half of this quasi-Judaism, I was wearing out.
I have always been one for zeal, but my zeal for the law could not appease my conscience. Inside my mind a constant nagging persisted that maintained I could not see God because of my sin. Strangely, I recognized my sinful condition and God’s total power, but I was unwilling to bow to Him. Even though I knew that the consequence would be Hell forever, I did not find within myself the ability to be saved. I tried, really I did, but all to no avail. I was quite powerless. During the summer of 2009, I struggled intensely with that issue and it culminated in a two-week long all-out battle with my reason and the law and the devil on one side, and my conscience and the Gospel and the Lord on the other. My counselor at Riverside and my pastor fought also for the Lord’s side, and indeed He prevailed. My reason was the last to fall, and when it was satisfied with grace, I believed the good news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ by grace, and He saved me from all my sin. What joy!
It interests me to read the “Journal of a Journey,” because the next few entries following my conversion are a hurried attempt to summarize in a few pages the multitude of happenings which the Lord did in my life in the first three weeks I was a Christian. I had a lot of growing to do, and I was young in the faith, but Jesus saw fit to use me in glorious ways those first few weeks. A thing which has been continuously difficult for me and continuously refreshing upon each occurrence and progress is growth in intimacy with the Lord. This mostly occurs when I am tried. Time and again the devil would accuse me of various sins and troubles and challenge my salvation based on my sin. This is faulty reasoning, which the Lord Jesus has taught me, because my salvation was never based on what I did or do, but has always, even from eternity, been based and is based and will until eternity be based on the infinite merit of Jesus Christ which He gave to me, not because of me, but, in fact, in spite of me. So my sin is irrelevant in the issue of my salvation because Jesus took it with Him on the cross. Learning this, the Gospel, over and over through all my trials has drawn me nearer and nearer to the heart of God, which brings me great delight and Him even more.
Of course, as the journey continues, I record various times when I learn or do such and such a thing, and laud it as a particular accomplishment. The Lord has oriented my being to learning, of various kinds, but particularly history. So, every time I learn something, I think it is awesome. However, much of my learning was for a good long while focused mainly on practical and minor doctrinal issues which were not intended to be the focus of the Christian life. The focus of the Christian life is Jesus Christ. He is glorious and exalted, our only Savior and God, and the fulfiller of all the promises of God, and it is in Him that we have salvation and every spiritual blessing from the Father in the heavenly places. So, while at various times I have emphasized various doctrines and their respective importance, most recently my emphasis has been the Gospel. Out of this truth flow all other issues of the Christian life.
Learning, however, is not the only skill in which I have grown since conversion. Tact has always been one of my weak points, and Jesus is teaching me to, “speak the truth in love.” He has also taught me, patiently, discernment, focus, preaching, and prayer. My favorite is preaching, but it can get in the way sometimes when all my friends want is a friendly conversation.
Since the time I was saved, the Lord gave me numerous opportunities to serve others. This began almost immediately following my conversion and continues to the present time. At public school I had ministered to some of my classmates, Christian and non-Christian. Both 2010 and 2011 in the summer I was permitted to serve as a counselor at Hidden Acres. That was a very intense and glorious ministry experience. Being a counselor is a twenty-four hour task, because even during sleep you are always ‘on call.’ This year my entire life is essentially devoted to Christian service, so I have plenty of opportunities for ministry. I am grateful to the Lord for the diligence He has given me about my work.
The greatest extent of my experience in evangelism and mentoring has been as a counselor at Hidden Acres. This past summer was especially good because I gained a much clearer understanding of the Gospel, and of leading my campers. I greatly enjoy mentoring, although it is not particularly my strength. One-on-one time talking with my campers about the Gospel and answering their questions is about my favorite thing to do in all of creation, except preaching.
Addendum: October 15, 2011. As for further growth in knowing the Lord Jesus, I really don't know what He's going to do. Recently He's been stripping me of idols and I think He's revealed to me the deepest one, the trump card of all my idols. I don't know if it has an official name, but it looks like false holiness, or pride. It is the desire to be different. All I do is fed in some way by this pressing desire. When other idols compete within me, this one holds the final authority. Ultimately, it will take a near-mortal pain to get it uprooted, but I so long for the Lord Jesus to sit on the throne of my heart. This idol has made me proud and cold and isolated: may my Father smash it with His mighty wrath and save me alive by the blood of Jesus Christ.
Addendum: October 15, 2011. As for further growth in knowing the Lord Jesus, I really don't know what He's going to do. Recently He's been stripping me of idols and I think He's revealed to me the deepest one, the trump card of all my idols. I don't know if it has an official name, but it looks like false holiness, or pride. It is the desire to be different. All I do is fed in some way by this pressing desire. When other idols compete within me, this one holds the final authority. Ultimately, it will take a near-mortal pain to get it uprooted, but I so long for the Lord Jesus to sit on the throne of my heart. This idol has made me proud and cold and isolated: may my Father smash it with His mighty wrath and save me alive by the blood of Jesus Christ.
No comments:
Post a Comment